can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
