i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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