I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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