I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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