sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
