it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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