I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
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Be still, my beating vagina.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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