Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
