Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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