After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
