I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
