omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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