When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
