I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
