No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
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how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she pinky promised me she was 18
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
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You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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