those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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