It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
