so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
