I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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