You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Boobs are out for the taking
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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