I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We need to get me chipped asap
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
