I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
