I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
we should paint friendship bongs
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