He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
