I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
