Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
