Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
