Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
