i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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