im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
