I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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