Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
