Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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