i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
