I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
