Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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