is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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