someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
