just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
