I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
