Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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