I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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