If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
