Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
