Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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