I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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