you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
