I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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