Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
