Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
