and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
