The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
