she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
