You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
