I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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