so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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