I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
