If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
