Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
