just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
third nipple confirmed
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
