I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
