Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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