Tell her she can't have a vagina
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
