I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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